Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.
Was in a pub the other day...
Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."
My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.
He sits down and orders a drink.
Classic nursery rhyme
Jack and Jill went up a hill, each had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents, you think they went for water?
why was the computer late to work?
because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort)
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke
* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer passed away today at the age of 57. He was struck by a 747 jet liner and a flock of seagulls as he flew over Barcelona. Coroners say that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
Why'd the mushroom go to the party?
Cause he's a fungi!
Why'd the fungi leave the party?
Cause there wasn't mushroom!
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? It's the end of the day and there's no need to talk about work."
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
You can explore classic antique reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean classic iconic dad jokes. There are also classic puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.
I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"
Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor.
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
Classic joke from the great Buddy Hackett. Wish I could find the rest of this special.
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him.
I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle*
Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?
It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.
Two classical musicians had sex for the first time together.
Woman: "That's a pretty small organ you're playing down there."
Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."
Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?
He had to go to the Bat Room.
[an old classic]
A classic from my grandfather.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
This is My "classic" joke
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?
I hear it's a real cult classic.
Just witnessed this classic on the bus
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel?
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone
It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's Wrestling Career" instead of...
Classic Cajun joke my grandpa told me.
So Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are heading to the bayou to check the trot lines. Boudreaux hooks his truck to his boat trailer and connects the trailer lights.
He says, "Thibodeaux, Check to see if my brake lights are working!"
As Boudreaux presses the brakes, Thibodeaux says, "Yea, they workin!"
Boudreaux turns on the right blinker and says, "Alright how about my blinkers?"
Thibodeaux says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes!"
In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?
Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson
On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
Classic church joke
An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."
Batman told me he was skipping church this week.
Classic Christian Bale
Classic. I'd be surprised if this was not posted already.
One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny Can you explain what oxidation is? He replied No my science is a little rusty.
Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.
He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"
Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?
The floor is lava.
They say classical music was written to speak through the ages
Bach to the future.
A Classic joke from India
Ajay comes crying to his father after school. His father noticed he is covered in bruises, just completely beaten black and blue. So he asked his sone what happened. Ajay tells him the teacher pointed pointed a ruler at me and said At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
So His dad said
So I said which side
If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".
Classic reverse psychology.
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)
There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced
The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead
The other man says Why did you shoot him?
The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time
On an average, Women live 2 years more than men.
Another classic male attribute. Always finishing before women.
A classic Russian joke...
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:
The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.
The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.
The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!"
Classical joke for Christmas period.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."
The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?
The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.
Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:
Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.
Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.
Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings
My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.
He always loved to halve his family in the act.
The classical music field should get Bach to basics.
Because if it ain't Baroque , don't fix it.
Classic Rock and Roll Trivia
I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said
"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".
"How was your blind date?"
A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.
"Terrible!" The roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Watched an episode of a classic sitcom last night. The episode dealt with the topic of circumcision. I didn't enjoy watching it...
I hate when sitcoms run clip shows.
I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say
Practise makes it better
Fun guy helping daughter prep for her science test
Last night I pulled a classic dad joke on my daughter. Normally this would make anyone groan but because my daughter is cool like me she loved it.
We were studying for her science vocabulary test. When we came to the word organism
Any living thing. Like an animal, plant or fungi
You know people think I'm a fun guy (fungi)
(Pause) she looks at me….
Oh I get it! then we laugh as she explains the joke I made. She's 9.
Classic… My daughter is going to make a great dad one day…
A reporter interviews a 2000-year-old man
Reporter: is it true you had over nine hundred wives in your life?
2000 y/o Man: Indeed
Reporter: out of all your wives, which one was your favorite?
2000 y/o Man: Hmmm… Shirley. Definitely Shirley.
Reporter: And what made Shirley so special?
2000 y/o Man: Her friend Tammy.
(A classic Mel Brooks/Carl Reiner joke)
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.